How Not To Be A Jerk When You’re Driving:

“WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE CARES THAT YOU HAVE THREE FISH?”

This is going to be a post that just cannot touch on every single way that people act like jerks on the road. Every Facebook status about dickhead drivers gets all the likes and angry comments that an attention-starved user could want. I mean, the simple fact that ‘road rage’ is considered an actual disease says it all. We hate anyone who doesn’t use what we personally have decided is the correct etiquette on the road. BUT. If we all hate it, who is it that’s doing it? Conspiracy by the government to keep us distracted from more important things to rage about? Underground Bad Driver Gangs? Aliens?? On the off chance that this gets to the jerks that drive like nutters, here are my reasons to consider yelling and honking my horn whilst ultimately doing nothing noticeable at all.

I’m going to steer clear of things that are actually the law. Like speeding, drink driving, hit and run accidents, etc. That sort of thing can be dealt with by, say, the police, rather than a young woman’s mildly ranty blog.

How Not To Be A Jerk when Online Dating

Step 1: Do not fall in love with a profile.

I have a confession to make. I’ve both tried and liked online dating. I know that it can still be seen as a little embarrassing or a last resort but I don’t think that’s fair. I like the fact that you can know a reasonable amount about a person before you make a move, I like that if someone turns out to be a nutbar, you never have to actually spend your precious time on them, and I like being able to creep through people’s profiles for days on end. It’s a bit of fun. So I’ve spent time on OkCupid and Tinder, and I feel like there is a definite market for an anti-dickhead behaviour post. I mean, there is already a plethora of blogs like these that shine the light on dickish behaviour in the online dating world, but we all know how I like to help. I just think that if you exhibit some or any of these behaviours, you should rethink a few life choices to make yourself more palatable to the average electronic love-seeker:

*Just a note, this is obviously coming from a lady perspective. I’m going to try to be fair and non-gendered and what not, but I promise little.

How Not To Be A Jerk When You’re A Kitten

Hai! This blog is about me and adorannoying I am!

I think most people can agree that if something is a baby of its species, then it’s probably adorable. There are some obvious exceptions that this college humour article points out (some of these guys are not so much animals as nightmares clothed in flesh) but a creature that lots of us can agree is undeniably cute as a button is the little kitten. Their big eyes, the way they don’t have full control of their limbs, the pathetically sweet little mew. Gosh, you just want to squish them with love. Let me tell you though, my house just rescued one and he can be a right little jerk at times. Seeing as I have a history of talking to animals, I’m writing this now to shame him for when he gets older and I teach him to speak and read English. I’m playing the slow game. So Sox (and all kittens), please stop doing the following:

How Not To Be A Jerk When You’re A Job Advert

At least I don’t have to put on pants to hate it like these suckers.

 I feel like this blog has been in hibernation for English winter/Australian summer. I’m back in Aus and pretty settled now, so consider it woken and stretching in the perfect morning in your season of choice. What’s that, imagined reader? You missed me and my silly rants?? I missed you too! Let’s hug it out. Hold me. I know you feel it like I do.

So now that we’ve bonded, deeply and physically, let me tell you what has brought me back into my beloved rant town. I have indeed returned to Adelaide, degree complete and ready to become… drum roll, please… an adult! First step, I thought, would be to get a lovely job. Unfortunately, to get these elusive places of employment, you probably have to search through job vacancies. Job vacancy boards are some of the most hellishly frustrating places on… I was going to say the internet, but no. Not even nearly. Has anyone been on the AdelaideNow comment boards (or preferred local media outlet) recently? Let’s just say job vacancies are hellishly frustrating and leave it. In order to allow us dole-bludging job-seekers to survive the process without wanting to burn our computers in a fiery blaze AND allow the companies seeking workers to actually get quality and suitable workers applying for their jobs, the vacancy ads themselves should stay away from these jerk behaviours:

A Letter To: Museums

Even museum buildings look impressive and knowledgeable.

 Dear Museums,

I had the very great pleasure of visiting The Natural History Museum (dinosaurs!) and Science Museum (Space travel!) in London today. While I had an unbelievable time, I just have a few issues with the experience which I’m sure you’d be interested in hearing. Because what major establishment doesn’t want to hear about the mild annoyance of a single patron?

The problem was that I spent much of the time feeling like a giant. I still imagine myself to be roughly 13 or 14 most of the time. I’m not sure I’ve grown up terribly much since then, despite the development of breasts and the ability to feed myself beyond tim tams and two-minute noodles. It always shocks me to be surrounded by tiny little people the height of my knee who see me as the same age as their parents. So it’s not very fair to be hating on children just for existing, but existing in the vast herds as are at your average museum are enough to make any non-real-grown-up go mad.

A Letter To The Fierce Gentleman Blog

Fierce like a Snowman! …I mean, tiger.

Dear Fierce Gentleman blog,

I had the pleasure of being shown your website by a rather excellent gentleman just the other day. I especially enjoyed the list of 10 qualities that make you a Fierce Gentleman. After reading it, feeling inspired and knowing that it inspired my gentleman friend also, I realised that although many of the aspects can be related to both men and women, it would be nice to have a feminine specific version to look at and maybe aspire to. I searched through your blog at the different posts aimed at women but they were all about how to be a lady for a Fierce Gentleman as opposed to being a Fierce Lady in our own right. I thought I’d address this imbalance by trying to spell out a few factors that might lead to a woman being considered a Fierce Lady.

How Not To Be A Jerk: To Your Housemates.

None of them. Love-rats included.

Who has lived in a house before? I’m going to assume that as you are reading this on a computer or mobile phone, you all probably have. Next, who has had to live in a house with other people before? Oh, everyone again? Interesting. How did that go for you? Was it a beautiful coming together of two like-minded people sharing a space and having lovely chats over tea in your perfectly clean living room? Yeah, I didn’t think so. (If you said yes to that, congratulations. How’s life with the unicorns, big foot and socks that stay paired?) The point is, sharing a house with someone, whether they be long term friend, casual acquaintance or total stranger, is fraught with pot-holes of awkwardness and bear-traps of pent-up rage. Aren’t you glad I’m here to guide you through that? Have you had enough of rhetorical questions yet?

A Letter To: People Who Don’t Want A Flyer

It doesn’t have to be like this *Stolen from somethingofthatilk.com

Dear People Who Don’t Want a Flyer

When you see someone standing with a bunch of flyers for the local take-away, restaurant or nightclub, what are you thinking? Because I am one of these terrifying purveyors of advertising material sometimes, and I’d like to let you in on a few trade secrets. It might help you to feel less frightened and/or annoyed and help me and my fellow hander-outterers to have a better day.

Firstly, no-one wants to be doing this job. You may be surprised to learn that we don’t have little kids sitting in maths or English dreaming of the day that they can stand around and hand out slips of paper to people. That said, it’s often a choice between rushing around, wiping sweat off my forehead and looking after hen’s parties or standing outside in (maybe) sun and ogling attractive Englishmen. Hmm. What a choice. Hmmmmm. Obviously being a bit of a creep is going to win out every time. Basically, I’m just asking you to have a bit of understanding and realise that we are people who really wouldn’t mind a smile to liven up a probably dull couple of hours. Especially if you happen to be an attractive Englishman. You could even have a go at a wink, you know, if you wanted.

 

How Not To Be A Jerk When You’re On a Hen’s or Stag Night.

Obligation friend that everyone finds mildly annoying.

Well, I haven’t posted in a long time. It’s been weighing on my mind for a while considering I have a few great ideas coming up, but unfortunately, I’m unable to live my life without procrastinating over something. Seeing as uni is finished for a few months, blogging is the latest victim of Facebook chat, Netflix and Reddit. I’ve also been busy starting my new job as a waitress and general bar wench, hence why I have SO MANY new ideas for blogs coming up. I’m fairly sure that there is no better example of douchebaggery than what is displayed to customer service people. While there are a multitude of examples I could go with, I just worked a Saturday day shift at a pub frequented by Stag and Hen Parties. I don’t feel I can go another day without telling the world (or a small percentage of which) how and why they suck giant balls. And more importantly, how NOT to do so.

How Not To Be A Jerk: When You’re A Stranger

Step 1: Don’t leer at children.

According to a cursory glance at the Google search page, there are roughly 7 billion people in the world at the moment. Social media stats in 2009 show that at least on Facebook, the average person has 120 ‘friends’. Taking into account obligation friends and other forms of social politics that still leaves, and this is just an estimate, a fuckton of people that you don’t know. Even if you’re one of those crazy people that has 10 000 friends on their preferred social media site (Myspace obviously, amirite?), fuckton is still pretty accurate. With that many strangers in the world, it’s likely that you’ll bump into some of them at some point. You may even be forced to interact with them in some way, even if you happen to be a hovel-dwelling hermit. Now I know we’re all taught about stranger danger and that every stranger is out to get us in some way, but I thought we could all have a think about a few ways to be less of a jerk to casual strangers that we bump into in our everyday lives.