How Not To Be A Jerk When You’re Driving:

“WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE CARES THAT YOU HAVE THREE FISH?”

This is going to be a post that just cannot touch on every single way that people act like jerks on the road. Every Facebook status about dickhead drivers gets all the likes and angry comments that an attention-starved user could want. I mean, the simple fact that ‘road rage’ is considered an actual disease says it all. We hate anyone who doesn’t use what we personally have decided is the correct etiquette on the road. BUT. If we all hate it, who is it that’s doing it? Conspiracy by the government to keep us distracted from more important things to rage about? Underground Bad Driver Gangs? Aliens?? On the off chance that this gets to the jerks that drive like nutters, here are my reasons to consider yelling and honking my horn whilst ultimately doing nothing noticeable at all.

I’m going to steer clear of things that are actually the law. Like speeding, drink driving, hit and run accidents, etc. That sort of thing can be dealt with by, say, the police, rather than a young woman’s mildly ranty blog.

Now as the writer of a blog that focuses almost exclusively on being annoyed by things, I hope this next statement carries an appropriate amount of weight. There is nothing I am more unreasonably upset by than not receiving a courtesy wave. It’s such a small thing but if I don’t spy a hand lifting in a tiny salute of thanks I genuinely feel like the only solution is to ram some sense into their rear bumper. If someone slows down to let me merge, waves me in when it’s bumper to bumper and I need to turn, or is in anyway disadvantaged by yet another display of my poor driving skills, I give a full open hand wave that could easily be mistaken for a greeting to a long lost friend. I’m not asking for that, but just a little token of appreciation for not being the jerk I could very easily have been. It’s just nice! Be nice!

Or I’ll be sure to drive just under the speed limit. Go on and take that risk.

The next thing I want to talk about is speed. I don’t mean speeding, because as I mentioned above we all know that speeding is for dumbos. I actually want to specifically talk about driving too slowly. Awhile ago I posted about how we should make lanes on pathways so speed walkers wouldn’t get caught behind lines of arm-linked slow-moving teenagers. It’s a dumb suggestion really, because people don’t even use the fast lane correctly on the road. Maybe you’ve got a small child, maybe you’re elderly, maybe you’re just not sure of the area and it’s hilly and confusing. If you are doing more than 10km under the speed limit, you need to be pulling over to let people who don’t drive in slow motion through. Going super slowly around corners may seem safe in theory, but people who do want to get somewhere the same day they left are going to be zooming around those same corners and if you’re in the way, they may not be able to stop. There are ‘safety speeds’ for corners and everything. Why would you go any slower than that? Same goes for the rain. Yes, it’s scarier to drive in the rain, but if the minute you see a wet road all driving ability flies out the window, do the rest of us a favour and catch the bus. At least the bus driver’s crappy driving is expected and we can plan for it.

Alright, I deliberately kept those short so that I can have more bullet points. More, I say! Somebody hold me back…

• Stickers on cars. Just no. You’re not funny, I don’t care about how many cats/mini-people you own, and I’m not honking for any reason. Stop it. While you’re at it, your numberplate that says “hrndog” isn’t fooling anyone.
• Oh, your baby is on board? I won’t crash into you or try to race you, which was totally my plan before I saw your sign.
• Reindeer antlers. You enormous douchebag.
• Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should do it. I’m looking at you, 4WD drivers.
• One more car selfie as your profile pic and I will unfriend you. This is only acceptable and only JUST acceptable when it’s a snapchat. Because isn’t the whole point of that thing constant selfies? Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?
• Why are stretch hummers even a thing?
• If there is a long back up of cars because they all want to turn right or there’s road works and you think it’s a good idea to go right to the front and try to push in, no-one will think “hey, that guy is so clever getting past us!”. I guarantee that every single person in that line that waited their turn wants you to suffer. Horribly.

One of 1000 pictures and articles raging about this. Thanks to graysonjack for this one.

Honestly, I could go on forever and I’m not even someone who gets ragey on the road OR is a particularly good driver. If we could start incorporating this into the tests that allow you to get your first license, that would be great. I’m going to go drive to work now and see how many of these guidelines I can break and/or notice more things I should’ve written about. Oh, and whoever even sells those godawful reindeer antlers for cars can go jump off a flying sleigh with time altering capabilities.

Thanks as always for reading! If you’d like to see more general rants at people I find mildly annoying, my twitter handle is @amysinanutshell. You could also check out my super new blog, Hungry Canary, for all your Adelaide food, wine and events needs. It’s my baby, I want it to grow up well and have everyone think it’s pretty.